What do you want to do with your life? (lengthy, unedited, from 2022 i think)
My answer keeps changing. Maybe its not changing maybe im just constantly revising it (which is different). When I was in college I wanted to be like fucking Basquiat or something. That was stupid. Thinking I could do that, wanting to do that…is very telling of my mindset at that age. Ask me if I want that now? No fucking way. If I was him id already be dead.
The question of lifelong goals and aspirations makes me think about death. Basquiat dead at 27. Eva Hesse dead at 34. Ive known a handful of friends from highschool dead by 30. My own mother died at 54. I think a lot about jerry saltz’s declaration, “make art as if you only had three years left to live.” And in response to that im like fuck yeah. We don’t know how much time we have here. We don’t know if we’ll fall ill, or die an untimely death. I try not to dwell on it too much, but it definitely motivates me.
I think my answer to the question of what I want to do with my life is: I want to decipher my soul and put it on paper.
And I think it will take a lifetime to do that
Its funny I felt kind of attacked when I was first asked this question. And I didn’t understand why. I felt like punched in the gut, or like I was up on a stage in front of a crowd, stuttering, unprepared, awaiting judgment. I think its mostly likely because I think about this stuff constantly, like more than I even know. Im always going over ideas in my head, thinking about inspiring things ive seen or read. Thinking about who I am, things ive said things ive done. Constantly revising self evaluating. No. it feels intense but its not. That’s just what people do in their heads right? I feel like Im constantly sharpening the knife that’s going to cut through me and allow me to access my soul. maybe that revision is also just time passing, me existing through it, experiencing, growing older.
I feel like if that is what my state of mind is and state of self is as much as I think it is, then I should have a fucking crystal clear answer ready at hand whenever im asked the question what is your goal, what do you want to do with your life. But I guess I still haven’t completely worked it out, and I am kind of ashamed and disappointed in that.
Im so caught up in what im doing that I don’t even know what im doing anymore. So caught up in myself.
Its such a simple thing at the start, but then you can keep delving further and further into it.
What do I want to do with my life? I want to be an artist. What is being an artist? Being an artist is deciphering your soul and putting it on paper. Putting in on canvas. Writing a story, making music.
I feel like a giant funnel. A funnel with long light arms attached to the wide end. These arms transcend space and time and grab with their tiny hands all the beautiful things and attractive things and stuff I think is cool from everywhere, throughout time and history, and pull it into the funnel, and then into my brain. And my brain is ready to burst, with all the cool things that have been dragged into there. To relieve the pressure I have to make art, draw, paint, sculpt. And its so hard to relieve the pressure, cause it’s constantly getting refilled cause I keep taking in new content. And I struggle to filter thought it all and keep producing. Its hard not to get distracted by a new idea or inspiration. So many things have gone unfinished and weigh upon me still.
Its getting better thought. Its becoming clearer—my pathway that I will take. I know I will stray off course. And I know I may change my destination/direction. And that does frighten me. But ill try to not get swept away.
I want to make beautiful artwork that satisfies my and inspires and encourages others. Makes them feel. Makes them stop for a second, give them an escape from reality for however long they stare at it. I want to make big elaborate paintings you could wander through with your eyes for hours. I want to make a graphic novel with awesome illustrations and weird storylines, which readers can ponder for days. I feel like this goal has slowly grown in my mind and heart over the past eight years. Or maybe when I first saw beautiful losers back in highschool. I didn’t even realize it had been growing.
I love art so much. It’s a feeling like a buzzing vibration that grows until it swells inside me ready to burst. Or like when you hear a certain song and it like aligns with the pulse of your soul somehow and time stops as you listen.
Ive been slowly taking steps to help me make my art. Help it flow out of me better. And be able to live and make all the other ends meet. And collecting things that inspire me, help the ideas flow. Spending time with people who encourage me, who I encourage. Good friendships where we feed off one another.
And I know I will continuously finding new inspiration and new directions, and ill just be grasping wildly at all these ideas trying to get them out in some form or some way and build them into something. And the more I make the more I will be inspired. Each new idea will spawn another. And I want to spend my whole life making, because who knows what I will come up with in the end. Because I will keep making till the end. And at the end I know it wont feel like im done, I wont feel like ive accomplished what ive set out to do, because at that time I will have new ideas that im trying to get out. And if people see what ive done and love it, hell yeah. And if people see what ive done and hate it, hell yeah. Because both scenarios are inputs that steer people in their own directions.
And itd be cool to have a house along the way, a place that is mine that I cultivate into a home. A place where I can feel safe and at ease.
And itd be cool to travel some and see new places, get out of my comfort zone, see how others live. To shake things up, rattle me, keep me on my toes.
My goal is to maintain an artist lifestyle, and keep taking the necessary steps to do so. Not be sedentary. Open to change and influence. Let life happen, but not let it happen to me. Be present, aware, attentive. Jump at opportunities that come my way. Be smart. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Don’t be afraid. Become a weird old man. And if I don’t make it that long, to know that I was on a path that would have taken me there.
I saw this movie, the price of everything. In it there is an artist Larry Poons who stopped making the art that would have earned him all the money and achieved him a greater level of fame. Like big expressionist painters whos work sold for millions at auction level of fame. And he did that cause he didn’t want to paint like that for the rest of his life, he thought it was boring. He lives currently with his wife in a more remote area, owns a cool motorcycle, and makes beautiful big ass paintings in his garage/shed. That’s fucking cool. I want to be like larry poons.